Jessica M. Oladapo, LPC
December 24, 2025
Summary: When we assume shared meaning, we miss each other. This blog examines how everyday language, especially the question “How do you feel?”, impacts belonging, psychological safety, and our ability to truly communicate.
When Feeling Isn’t Emotional:
Why Misunderstanding Isn’t About Listening, but Meaning
I was speaking with someone recently about challenges with communication. They shared that they often feel as though they and their partner are speaking entirely different languages. They described a situation in which their partner asked, “How do you feel about this?” Confused, they began to answer honestly by describing their internal state: they were tired and overwhelmed. Their partner responded with visible frustration and said, “But do you have any positive feelings?”
We both paused. I asked, “Do you think your partner was asking about emotions?” He hesitated and replied, “I don’t know.” I nodded, because with my own challenges in communication related to my neurodiversity, I understand how a word like feel can lead to a very literal interpretation.
He continued, explaining that when someone asks him how he feels, he takes the question at face value. He talks about how he feels. Yet it seemed clear that his partner did not actually want to know how he felt in that way. I shared with him that “how do you feel” can mean many different things, and that we sometimes limit ourselves by assuming shared definitions when we speak.
For some people, “how do you feel?” is a literal question. It can be answered with: I feel tired. I feel warm. I feel cold. I feel hungry. For others, it is a question about emotion, answered with: I feel happy. I feel sad. I feel angry. I feel frustrated. Sometimes people even reach for emotions that are harder to name, like Schadenfreude, or respond with “I feel some kind of way” when the language available doesn’t quite capture the experience.
For others still, “how do you feel?” is really a question about cognition or meaning making. In this version, the question is closer to what are you thinking? or where do you land on this? It might be answered with: I feel curious. I feel settled. I feel secure.
The challenge is that an individual’s understanding of “how do you feel” is often filtered through their own definition of feel, rather than clarified by what is actually being asked. Is the question about emotions? About thoughts? About physical sensations? Frustration arises when someone asks “how do you feel” expecting an emotional response and instead receives a temperature check. In that moment, it truly is like speaking different languages. One is the language of emotion, the other is the language of sensation or state.
Part of the difficulty is that we rarely slow down enough to distinguish between these meanings. In a separate conversation, I suggested that clearer communication might sound like: What emotions are coming up for you around this? or What are your thoughts about this? or even How do you feel in this moment, in your body? The response I received was an exasperated, “But who has the time? Who has the time to ask all of those questions and use all of those words?”
I chuckled, but the irony lingered. When we don’t take the time to be precise, the frustration that follows and the longer, more tangled conversation that ensues often takes far more time than the initial pause would have. Feeling misunderstood or unheard stretches conversations unnecessarily. Asking the right question increases the likelihood of receiving the answer we are actually seeking. Asking the catchall “how do you feel” too often leads us into frustration or exasperation rather than connection.
I can’t help but think about the implications of this for belonging and for creating psychologically safe environments. Psychological safety both requires and nurtures curiosity. It invites us to slow down, to ask with intention, and to recognize that understanding is not assumed, it is built.
